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“Speak With Conviction” Taylor Mali (Def Poetry)

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harp

i love this one

drinking wine at a pizzeria in little five
i can taste the sunshine over the thick cigarette fog
expelled from the calloused lungs of trendy judges
that have recently landed from a pot-kissed roast of traitorous minds

it is in these moments that i am thankful for solitude
and moments to escape and breathe on my own
i can live without the weight of your paranoia and fear
to concentrate on my own freedom
sitting at the bottom of a glass of chardonnay

(c) rucker manley, 2009

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Music to love

I havent updated tumblr in a while, so here’s the stuff new music im listening to. its eargasmic

1. I Am Abomination - Ornaments are for Hanging

2. Settle The Sky - Cheyenne

3. Of Mice & Men - Second and Sebring

4. Isles & Glaciers - Empty Sighs and Wine

5. Inhale Exhale - A Call to the Faithful

6. Sky Eats Airplane - Numbers

7. Alesana - Curse of the Virgin Canvas

8. Abandon All Ships - Pedestrian is Just Another Word for Speedbump

9. Broadway - The Same Thing We Do Everyday Pinky

10. Right Away, Great Captain! - Love, Come Save Me

Text 1Notes

Well actually, this should be called, “pulling/ignoring.” Let’s get straight down to it, my dad and I have a very odd relationship. I love him with all of my heart and I know he loves me, but he doesn’t express emotion very freely. When I found out that I wasn’t going back to southern, the only thing I wanted, the only thing that would make anything better, was a hug and reassurance from my dad.

Today, I wrecked my mom’s Honda Civic. It wasn’t bad but the location it hit is probably gonna end up being around a 700 dollar fix. 700 dollars that I, nor my family, has. There was no damage to the other car, mainly because it was a hummer, but regardless, I called my dad and told him that I was gonna call the police and file a police report, just to have it on the books. Well he’s in a meeting and ends up having to leave and tell them why. my dad said one guy told him, “you need to just kick him out and say, ‘figure it out.’” my dad got home and saw the damage, and while he cusses occasionally, let’s just say he doesn’t exactly have a sailors mouth. Well today he did. He cussed me out and said some things that cut me to the core. Things like, “your mom is gonna have a fucking stroke when she sees this,” and “are you trying to dismantle this family?!” it hurt. I almost even told him some of the darkest things a person could tell someone, like suicidal thoughts. He continued to tell me these things until he got to what the man told him about kicking me out. I went to say something, and about halfway through I just broke down. Then something weird happened.

My dad started to cry. He came over to me and he hugged me, and we both cried together. Uncontrollable sobs through which he tells me that we were going to get through this. I haven’t seen my dad cry in 15 years, since when my great grandmother died. I can’t explain the feeling I felt while holding on to him with many words other than angelic. I didn’t want to let go and even though it was so sad, I felt oddly at peace. Like I just wanted to stay right there forever.

The thing that’s sad is I have a feeling that it’s never going to be mentioned or even acknowledged again. It will become a memory, and only that, but one that I won’t be sure if I made it up or not. I just feel like such a burden on them these days. I’ve put them through so much and they’ve given me so much, and I haven’t been able to return anything. I know they love me, but it sometimes feels like they’d just be better off without me. Hence the suicidal thoughts. But I know I can’t think like that. It’s the coward’s way out. I just want to stop putting on the facade of who I am and be happy. Like truly, purely happy. And it feels like there’s only one person who can do that for me. But it’s in a totally different area of my life. I don’t know what to do with my life, but I want to figure it out. And I want to make my parents proud. I want them to have no fear in anything I do because they know it will end well.

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